“The IRS want they fifty-plus our tithe / Man, that’s over half of the pie / I felt dry, that’s on God / That’s why I charge the prices that I charge / I can’t be out here dancin’ with the stars / No, I cannot let my family starve / I go hard, that’s on God.”
To support the release of “Jesus is King,” Kanye West’s ninth consecutive number 1 album, the rapper conjured up some mind-boggling merch on sale for his trademark ridiculous prices. Its quality, as you’re about to see, is indicative of its parent album.
Some of it makes no sense and leaves me utterly speechless, some of it looks so haphazardly put together it would look like my first attempt to do something in a graphic design class and some of it is just downright blasphemous.
Besides West himself, I have no idea who to blame for this merch’s existence. I’ve seen reports that say it was designed by AWGE, A$AP Rocky’s mysterious creative agency. It’s two rules are “#1 NEVER REVEAL WHAT AWGE MEANS” and “#2 WHEN IN DOUBT ALWAYS REFER TO RULE ONE.” That’s verbatim from their about page.
That’s what first reports stated, but now the merch adorns the name of CPFM (Cactus Plant Flea Market), a less mysterious fashion brand that lives up to its name with how they designed this merch. Some public figures associated with it include Pharell Williams, Cara Delevingne, Travis Scott, Big Sean and Tyler, the Creator.
Like West, they also specialize in selling ugly clothes with limited sizes for far too high of a price, so it could be seen as a match made in heaven.
The merch you’re about to see was a flash sale, as it was only on the site for 24 hours and then marked as sold out. It’s a common practice from West, and is why he’s able to get away with some of the insanely high prices. So let’s take a trip back through time, and look at these monstrosities that people actually bought as part of the beginning of Kanye’s cult.
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What an inspirational message on this $240 hoodie. If Ye can go crazy in debt, reaching out to Mark Zuckerburg of all people for help, you can too. You too can throw all of your credibility away to write a song like “Closed on Sunday.”
This crewneck shirt can be yours for the low price of $180. Notice the black hole sucking the snowball into the void. Truly symbolic for our time.
One of my favorites from the whole collection. You can get a pair of dirty socks for $70. Who thought this was a good idea? Take note of how the sock isn’t even cut all the way out properly.
Somehow this is one of the cheaper pieces of merch, only $60 for this unexplainable abomination. They couldn’t even cut out a proper circle, but maybe its imperfections are to remind us that only with the power of Jesus and Kanye West can we be well-rounded.
Jesus has no nose in the $60 t-shirt on the left. This is the moment when you really have to question if Kanye’s in on the meme or if he’s just this delusional. I lean towards the latter.
Look here! Only $240 for the shirt heralding the coming of buff black Jesus, as well as the super low-quality JPEG of a crucifixion. Though it did happen so many years ago, so maybe that’s the best camera quality they had back then.
Also important to note that people had to wait 4-6 weeks after purchase to get their newest additions to their wardrobe. Those that got a piece of merch were given a free digital download of “Jesus is King” as well. What a bargain.
Yet that’s the highlights on our tour of the long-gone “Jesus is King” merch shop. It truly feels like Yeezy has gone off the deep end this time, adopting a persona of a constantly attacked Christian man who has to sell these outrageous clothes just to make ends meet.
However, we still have Kanye’s old discography to keep us satiated until he comes back to his senses. You can also laugh knowing that there are people among us that bought a $240 sweatshirt that looks like something you could find in the trash, or $70 socks that look like they’ve been worn for five years already, and they wear these things with pride.
Henry Wolski
Staff Writer