We’ve all grown up with these ideas whether you heard it from your parents, teachers or TV. That is the idea that boys must always pull out their wallets first and never let their date touch a door or chair, in order to accomplish a gentlemanly composure.
As we grow up, you have probably also heard the ultra opposite side of that, which is if a man opens doors or pays for a woman’s meal he is obviously a chauvinistic pig.
Well I think both of those sides are pretty fallacious and harmful, so maybe we could meet somewhere in the middle.
Before I dive into all of this, I want to discuss benevolent sexism. Benevolent sexism is when behavior and attitudes toward women can have the intention or label of being chivalrous and gentlemanly, but when you really look at the history and affect it has, it can actually be quite condescending and belittling to women, without people even intending for it to be.
Let’s look at an example. How about men paying for a woman’s meal. I think we all know this one. You go out on a date, the check comes and it’s pretty expected for the man to take care of it because that’s just what men do; but why is that ‘just what men do’?
Well historically women didn’t really work much and men were considered to be the breadwinner, so of course men buy women drinks and dinner because how else would she get it?
Thankfully now it’s pretty common for women to have jobs, capable of being their own breadwinner and funding their lifestyle, but this construct that men should always pay for the woman continues.
To jump into a little anecdote, I’ve experienced this several times with my boyfriend. We are both employed and we like to go out to eat a lot. I certainly would never expect for just one of us to always pay for our meal because then one of us would be consistently broke.
So, we have a system we loosely stick with, which is, he pays, I pay and then we split the check. We cycle that through and the few times it’s been my turn to pay and I hand my credit card to the waiter, they make some unnecessary comment about him not being a ‘gentleman’ and making me pay for our meal.
The idea of anyone always paying for my meals when I know I am fully capable to pay for it myself doesn’t feel sweet or chivalrous, it makes me feel indebted to them. What feels sweet and trouble-free is the candid offer when someone wants take you out or buy you something nice, not because of their gender or your relationship, but just because they want to.
My argument with men opening doors for women is fairly similar. Don’t open a door for someone just because they are female and you’re hearing your grandmother’s voice in your ear, open a door for guys and girls just because it shows kindness, not masculinity.
This construct of chivalry has ingrained itself so far into our society, that young men and women are still abiding to these gender roles.
I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a group of girls who would blather about how if a boy didn’t offer to pay for a meal or doesn’t open a door for them then they have to break up with them. What I usually think and occasionally ask in these situations is, when is the last time you asked to pay or opened a door for him?
A lot of women seem to have embraced this kind of treatment, thinking simply because I am female I somehow deserve to be paid for and serviced, while men drain their bank accounts and service themselves. It’s a double-standard.
I certainly don’t think women should reject all nice gestures from men. Kindness is so crucial for humans, but we need to even out kindness on both sides. So next time you feel the urge to do something for someone, think about why.
Is it because they are one gender and you are the other, or is it because you veritably want to do something as an act of kindness towards someone. Buy a meal and open a door for your significant other’s, family, strangers, male friends and female friends, just because you want to.
Hannah Hamlin
Reporter