You wouldn’t think teaching someone how to eat would actually be a topic of discussion, but let’s be real. Some people just don’t understand how to eat certain foods.
Today is the day I give you all of my best advice for eating a few different foods.
Naturally, we have to start with the most important meal of the day – breakfast.
Poptarts are a great, easy breakfast. The best way to eat these is warm up in the toaster (or microwave if you’re being lazy.) Then you want to take the edges off, eat the middle and throw the rest away. After that you’ll go find something else to eat because your stomach isn’t satisfied.
Pancakes and French toast are tasty breakfast meals, too. I don’t actually know how to make either, but I sure know how to eat them!
Drown them in syrup. Let them swim around and eat as much as you can before they become soggy like the Florida swamps. When it gets swampy, you probably want to throw the diabetic mess away.
Sometimes we don’t have time for lunch as college students so we have to rely on snacks throughout the day.
One of my favorite snacks is peanut butter. Literally find the biggest spoon you have. The wooden one for making stuff on the stove works great. Get the biggest spoonful of peanut butter and enjoy it. You’ll look (and feel) like a happy puppy with globs of PB stuck to the roof of your mouth.
I also really like Cheetos and Doritos. This one is pretty self-explanatory. Eat all the munchies from the bag, then spend about five minutes licking all the cheesy, powdery, orange-y deliciousness from your fingers.
Trail mix is the healthier alternative for snacking. The best way to eat this mess is similar to how some Christians read the Bible. Pick out all the goods parts – chocolate bits, candy pieces, etc. – and throw the rest away.
When it comes time for dinner, you’re probably starving because you’ve thrown away most of your breakfast and snacks, but that’s okay! You’ve got some great options for eating dinner.
Tacos are probably one of my favorite foods in the world. I love tacos!
The best way to eat them is to eat a taco from one end and let all the goodies fall out the other end. It makes for a great mess and a lot of wasted effort making a beautiful, delicious taco.
Pizza is a nice, cheap dinner option, too. If you’re feeling adventurous, that’s the best time to eat pizza.
Get a large pizza with a bunch of different toppings that you’ve never tried, like olives or pineapple. Right before you eat it though pick all the gross bits off, like the olives and pineapple, until you’re left with a plain cheese pizza. It’ll be delicious; I promise.
Now it’s time for everyone’s favorite part – dessert!
Sweets are another one of my favorite things to eat, but being diabetic makes that problem. Never fret, my dears, for I will still give you all the best advice for eating the sweet treats.
Tootsie pops are a fun treat. You get the hard sucker shell and the melty chocolate center. You’re going to want to struggle with the shell part for at least an hour before you finally try to bite into the center. You’ll potentially break a tooth because it takes forever to get to the center of a Tootsie pop, but by then you’ll have thrown the whole sucker away more than likely.
Ice cream cones are a nice dessert, too. Don’t eat this though, at least not in public. No one looks appropriate eating an ice cream cone. Just leave it at that.
As for the seasonal sweets, like candy corn and Peeps… Throw that in the garbage where it belongs. All of that tastes like sadness and awkward family get-togethers. Just no.
Now that you all have a new appreciation for eating some different foods get out and explore the possibilities of the foodie world.
Brittany Fletcher
Designer/Intern