Dear Gabby,
I am a person in their early 20s who quite frequently feuds with their father. Most of the time, it is for some stupid reason like when I leave an empty water bottle out, but it is usually over the cleanliness of my room.
Now I know this sounds juvenile and since I’m an adult I could just move out and deal with it myself, that’s obvious, but my actual problem is not that I live with my dad. My actual problem is that my dad can never let an opportunity to criticize me pass. He once made fun of how I blew my nose, so when we get into these arguments about my room, for example, I feel it is just another instance of him getting mad about whatever he feels like. This is was only happening every once in awhile, it would be fine, but I am constantly having anxiety about what will make him mad next.
He does have a stressful job, and granted I am a little on the lazy side, but I usually do the things he asks. Unfortunately, I seem to miss certain details of house cleanliness and I guess in his mind this gives him an excuse to get angry. Also, I would like to point out that I mostly do all the cleaning now, since my dad started living with his girlfriend.
In my opinion, I do an acceptable job at keeping his house clean, and if he wanted it to look a certain way then shouldn’t he be home more than once a week? Basically, Gabby, how do I learn to make my dad happy when I’m not sure how I make him angry?
Sincerely,
Stepping on eggshells
Dear Stepping on eggshells,
I think if anyone is asking themselves ‘how do I make someone happy,’ then I think they have got it all wrong. Trying to tiptoe around because you’re afraid to upset someone or to protect yourself is honestly something I am really saddened by. No one should feel on edge about their loved one’s next move.
I understand that you acknowledge that you have been “lazy” sometimes, but I don’t think his actions show from your perspective that he is handling the situation effectively. As another person in their early 20s, I do think we have a responsibility to uphold as we move further into adulthood. Taking responsibility for our actions and being self-motivated is something I feel our generation could learn more about, however, I do think walking on eggshells for someone is bad for our already low self-concept and esteem.
On the other hand, some people have a hard time showing love, so his way might be to make fun of you, which I think isn’t a positive thing; however, it might be the only way he knows. Spending more time with him and letting him know that those words hurt your feelings isn’t juvenile, it’s simply just asking to be respected as a human.
Sit down with your dad and ask him what he would like to see from you as an adult and as someone who is living in the same house as you. It’s almost as if you are roommates, and as roommates, tasks should be split to make sure the house is up to everyone’s living standards. This will create a better communication amongst you both, as well as finding some solutions to the problems.
But, I don’t think it’s okay to make excuses for someone, such as, they have a stressful job or going through hardships in their life, because essentially, everyone is struggling with something—that doesn’t give someone the right to be forceful or plain rude. So don’t feel like you aren’t doing anything right or that you have to constantly be on your guard.
I would suggest staying focused on you and what you need to accomplish at home, while improving honest communication with your dad. If it doesn’t improve, don’t sit around making excuses for him, just be confident with your choices and move out to continue your life by surrounding yourself with positivity and respect.
Good luck,
Gabby