Dear Gabby,
I am a 20-year-old student here at Sinclair. I went to Wright State my first year, but I transferred to Sinclair this year hoping to have a better experience. The main reason I am writing to you is because I haven’t talked to my dad in a little over 5 years now. I have tried to call and talk to him, but I never get any answer—so I eventually gave up. He talks to my two older sisters, along with my older brother, so why not me? The first few years of not talking to him, I used to beat myself up about it because I blamed myself a lot of the time. After awhile, I realized it wasn’t my fault, so I just stopped trying.
My father also has a serious drinking problem. He has been told to stop drinking many times, but he doesn’t. he has missed many important events in my life, including my senior prom and graduation. My biggest fear with him is that he won’t be able to see me on my wedding day, walk me down the aisle or meet my kids. I am also scared I will never get to tell him how I feel or worse, tell him goodbye. My main question to you, Gabby, is should I put this problem in my life to an end or should I continue to ignore him?
Sincerely,
A lonely daughter
Dear A lonely daughter,
First off, I’m glad you’ve come to the realization that it’s not your fault. His actions are because of his choices. Ultimately, everyone is obviously allowed to make their own decisions essentially, so don’t blame yourself for his actions.
I am not quite sure what you mean by “put this problem in my life to an end.” However, from my perspective, I think I would view this situation as an open door. You’ve made it clear that it’s important to have him in your life eventually, so I don’t think you need to ignore him or be upset necessarily about the situation. I think of course it leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, which would be discouraging and heartbreaking, but I think it’s better not to dwell on it.
Think of an open door, this shows that you’re willing to accept this person and work out any obstacles, but in order for there to be progress the other person needs to decide for themselves if they want to walk through that door.
I can relate to you on a certain level with this situation, and I think the best thing is to let him know you’re ready when he is. When establishing a new relationship with anyone for that matter, it needs to be effective and efficient. There’s no “beating around the bush,” there needs to be honesty and emotions involved in order to really know where the person is coming from and what they want.
I think as long as he knows exactly how you feel and what you hoped to see in the future, then that’s all you can do. Don’t dwell on the fact that he’s not there or that he has missed out on moments. That should be his worry, not yours. I think you should focus on creating the best version of yourself, show your dad that his problems aren’t going to be a cycle for you and that you’re growing and evolving with or without him.
With hope,
Gabby