Dear Gabby,
This is confused soul; I have been battling my change of heart and emotions with my current boyfriend. We unexpectedly met on New Year’s Eve. The moment we met each other we instantly clicked and felt a spark between us. We ended up pursuing a relationship where things started off easy and fun, but slowly taking a turn for the worst.
I’m not sure how to handle this situation. The more our relationship continues, the more serious it becomes. The problem is I am concerned about us having a successful future together. He is a nice and loving man, but doesn’t know what he wants in life and doesn’t seem to have the motivation to run after it. After dropping out of college, gaining a lot of debt, and being forced to work two jobs and live paycheck to paycheck, it has put him in a hard spot—which has put financial pressure on me.
I have been patient and supportive, and have done everything I can to motivate him to go back to school. However, as much as he would like to go back, between having two jobs to pay off so much debt at 21 years of age, there is just no time for school. This is a problem because I don’t see myself marrying him, as I once did. I don’t know what to do because I love him and I want to be in his life, but I need to do not only what’s best for me, but what’s going to better me. How do you tell your boyfriend that you love him, but you can’t be together?
Sincerely,
Confused Love
Dear Confused Love,
As hard as it may be, love alone might not be able to hold a relationship together. I think it’s fair for you to feel this way. Being in a relationship is hard work, and sometimes can be draining because now you’re a unit.
I think communication, honesty and support are the most important things in a relationship. From what you’ve said, I assume you’ve supported him as much as you can, and I don’t mean financially. Sometimes the support isn’t enough, if he, himself, can’t find motivation to better his life. I can understand how much you want him to succeed, but no matter what you do, nothing will be enough until he decides his path and the process.
I think you need to communicate and be honest with your concerns. In my opinion, a relationship can’t be a strong unit, if the individuals aren’t strong by themselves. I know that life is about growing and evolving, but if he has a loss of motivation in the present, then it’s hard to see if he will even make an effort to have a better future. I understand things happen unexpectedly in life, you have to make the best of it, but it’s also about being proactive in life.
You’re right. You need to do what’s best for you. Don’t let his stress and his circumstances take over your life. Maybe a break would be an option to figure out what you both want in life, not just your relationship. Sometimes love has an expiration date, it’s just knowing if you want to risk it or not.
I think it’s time to be selfish, and do what you think is best for yourself. What’s supposed to happen will happen. I think you should trust yourself, if you don’t see him as your future anymore, then maybe it’s time to go on another path. As cliché as it may sound, just let him know it’s for you to focus on bettering your life.
With love,
Gabby