Plato said that “the God of Love lives in a state of need,” and indeed, many of us would agree with Plato that love is something we need, not just something we want.
I mean, who here hasn’t fallen madly in love with somebody and felt as if they just couldn’t go on living if that person didn’t love them back?
In a study cited by Helen Fisher, author of “Why We Love,” 90 percent of study participants reported having been rejected by someone they were deeply in love with, and they also admitted to having rejected someone who loved them dearly.
People do it, animals do it, even insects do it. According to Fisher, entomologists even have special names for the way in which insects choose their partner. It’s impossible to really know what’s going on in their tiny little insect-brains, but sometimes I wonder if it’s so different from what goes on in our little brains when we fall in love (or don’t). Fisher said the same regions of the brain are involved whether it’s animals or humans, and with animals like elephants, “you can see an instant attraction … love at first sight.”
Fisher also said that “romantic love is one of the most addictive substances on earth.”
It’s true; when we fall in love, dopamine is released into our bloodstream, similar to what happens to us if we consume certain drugs, like cocaine.
According to Fisher, when we get rejected, or when the person we love doesn’t love us back, the result is quite similar to the withdrawal symptoms one might experience from stopping those same types of drugs. That’s no joke.
Fisher said that love “has all the characteristics of addiction … you’re willing to distort reality, you’re willing to take enormous risks … it’s a perfectly wonderful addiction when it’s going well, and a perfectly horrible addiction when it’s going poorly.”
Getting back to Plato, it seems that he was correct, and it has now been scientifically proven that marriage (and “associated companionship”) actually contributes to longer, healthier lives for the couples involved, addiction or no.
One researcher who studied the phenomenon at the German Institute for the Study of Labor concluded that the health benefits of a happy marriage are as significant as giving up smoking (another popular addiction). The study found that married couples live longer, tend to be healthier both physically and mentally, recover from illness more quickly and completely, and are just plain happier.
Additionally, a study that was done at Duke University Medical Center found that having a romantic partner “protects against premature death.”
That’s reason enough for me, where do I sign up?
I suppose we don’t know exactly what it is about marriage or romantic companionship that allows us to live longer and healthier lives, but in an article in “The Journal of Marriage and the Family,” the author suggests that part of it is that we are “aware of and impacted by” the behavior of our significant other.
In “The Health Benefits of Marriage,” another article on the same subject, the author notes that “wives tend to discourage smoking, drinking and risk-taking and also [work to] improve their family’s diet.”
That same article cited a study showing that men actually begin to decrease their “self-destructive patterns” after they get engaged and before they are actually married. According to the author, just the idea of marriage is enough to improve a man’s health.
Love is good for us, we know that — we just don’t know exactly why, and that’s okay. After all, we use electricity every day, and we can’t all agree on exactly how that works either. Come to think of it, there might be many more similarities between love and electricity, but I digress.
While I was working to unravel the connection between health and love, I enlisted the help of my mom, who has been married to the same man for over 30 years. In fact, their 32nd anniversary is on Valentine’s day (congratulations, you two). I suppose if you have been married that long, people like me (who have managed to stay married for all of three years) will regard you as somewhat of an expert on the subject.
Anyway, Mom agrees that there is a connection between good health and healthy relationships, citing a study that shows that people live longer when they eat food that was prepared by someone who loves them.
Of course, nothing worth having comes easily, and a successful marriage is no different. My mom told me that “marriage is really hard work, but it’s good for us.” She said that marriage works when you both give 100 percent, and that “giving makes us better people.”
Mom illustrated this concept of giving in a relationship with the analogy of the empty box. It goes like this:
When you get married, the box is empty, and you both put things into it as the years go by. The idea is that in time, the box becomes filled with valuable things, like shared experiences, wisdom, trust, and most of all, love.
She said that some unfortunate souls have mistakenly embraced the notion that we start out with a full box and then take from it until it is empty. Mom said those people usually abandon ship when there is nothing left in the box for them to take.
Needless to say, I am inspired by the triumph of my parents’ enduring marriage. Of course, I’m a little saddened to think of all the people out there with empty boxes — that is a bit of a heartbreaker, especially in light of the fact that love has been proven to add both quality and quantity to our years. It makes me wonder if perhaps love should come with a warning label: “Quitting can be hazardous to your health.”
Happy Valentine’s day, and good luck to all you lovers out there.