If you don’t like having your arm twisted in directions you never knew it could go, don’t take a self-defense class at Sinclair Community College.
In need of one more credit hour so I could continue working on campus, I signed up for the class thinking I was going to learn how to not get my wallet stolen, but when I walked through the door and heard the instructor kicking a rubber dummy so hard it stung my ears, I thought, “Oh snap! What did I get myself into?”
My instructor was a quiet Japanese man by the name of Mr. Hashimoto. Everyday we would bow to him twice out of respect before we entered the room and then he would demonstrate different self-defense techniques that we would practice on each other, most of which involved hyper extending either the elbow or the shoulder.
I never really enjoyed the painful sensation of being placed in an arm bar, but I hated getting thrown around like a rag doll even more.
One day when we were learning how to do leg sweeps I bounced my head so hard off the mat it felt like I just took three shots of Grey Goose vodka. And just when I felt good enough to resume the exercises I got kneed in my privates so firmly I could feel the pain all the way up in my throat.
Another problem I experienced was the anatomy of my partners.
I hated getting teamed up with women because I didn’t feel comfortable kicking or slamming them. So after about two weeks, I decided not to work with women.
Big mistake.
I was begging for a female partner the day we had to mount each other and learn how to defend against attacks while on the ground.
Everyday after that class I would walk into the Clarion office dripping sweat and my editor would laugh and ask how my training was going.
Had I known I was going to get my arms twisted, kneed in the groin and head bounced of the mat I would have never registered for the class, but that’s what I get for being lazy and not researching it ahead of time.
I want to make it clear that self-defense is not a bad class because it teaches you a lot of useful stuff, but if you’re a wuss like me take something like yoga instead.