With Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant leading his team to an eventual NBA Championship, I wanted to create a starting five that I despise.
I know I’m not the only one who dislikes Bryant. He has the type of personality where a person’s opinion is passionate either way. Nobody “kind of” likes or dislikes Bryant. You either want him to strongly succeed or fail miserably.
I have a powerful distaste for Bryant, along with many others in the NBA. Here’s a fantasy view at my diabolical, dispicable starting five:
Point guard – Tony Parker, San Antonio Spurs
This was a difficult decision. Weighing between Parker and Lakers guard Derek Fisher is a choice I wouldn’t wish upon anybody. Parker receives the nod due to his marriage to the wonderful Eva Longoria and his naggy style of play. There is no reason why a six-foot man should be able to drive the lane as well as he does.
Fisher’s style of play fits right into the San Antonio mold: dirty, rugged and dirty. The acting portrayed by Fisher during the 2009 playoffs would be well received in most Hollywood circles.
Shooting guard – Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers
Bryant has always come off as a cocky, arrogant person. Michael Jordan had the same persona, but he showed his lighter side in commercials and movies. Bryant is all-business, all the time. There isn’t anything wrong with that, but it’s his stubborness that bothers me.
He doesn’t seem to have a grip on reality. According to Bryant, he is the greatest player of all-time and nobody could check him. He’s the closest we’ve seen a player come in comparing to Jordan, but Bryant isn’t that incredible.
Has anybody else noticed his new grimace when he makes a big play? I could picture him posing in front of his bathroom mirror practicing how his face is going to shape in a big moment.
Small forward – Vince Carter, New Jersey Nets
It’s amazing the 32-year-old Carter is still riding the wave of his slam-dunk days of the late 90s and early 00s. I used to be on the Carter-wagon…until I grew up.
Maybe I’m upset with him because he lured me in as a child and entertained me with wild and crazy jams. After leading the Toronto Raptors to a near-upset of the Philadelphia 76ers in 2001, my allegiance was paid in full.
But then Carter smashed the dreams of every young person in the world when he became the ultimate “Me first” player. He often lapses into “Antoine Walker mode”, chucking 3-pointer after 3-pointer as his teams deficit falls further into black.
You had the world, Vince. And I’ll never forgive you for letting that go.
Power forward – Tim Duncan, San Antonio Spurs
If only Robery Horry was still around.
Duncan’s greatness won’t be overlooked. I acknowledge his four rings and multiple MVPs, but this man drives me insane because HE IS SO GOOD!
It’s normal in America to hate winners. Everybody hates the New York Yankees, the Los Angeles Lakers, the Dallas Cowboys and the Pittsburgh Steelers. The only exception on this list is Tiger Woods; you can’t NOT like Tiger Woods.
That’s why I hate Duncan. His awesomeness is so enlarged that I must root for failure. I give a great amount of respect to Duncan. If there is one thing I can smash about Duncan is his laughable way of questioning a ref’s decision. Nothing grabs a better chuckle than seeing Duncan being called for a block and those huge eyeballs come out from hibernation.
Center – Pau Gasol, Los Angeles Lakers
By now you’ve probably figured out my hatred for San Antonio and Los Angeles. Deal with it.
Gasol is a great sidekick. He doesn’t have the talent to carry a team on his back, but his skills are perfect in a secondary role. The problem is Gasol thinks otherwise. His performance in the playoffs removed the soft-label that’s been attached to his slender, greasy frame.
But, a seven-foot man shouldn’t fall to the floor as much as Gasol does. Watching him flop his way to a title is disheartening.
I figured out Gasol’s success on the floor. I bet Gasol hasn’t showered since August. Would you want a sweaty, greasy, hairy, stinky man leaning on you in the post? I would stay as far away as possible.