Cats are probably one of my least favorite household pets. I think they are a pain, whiny and just overall hateful. In fact, I probably dislike them because I could potentially be a cat. I’m a pain, whiny and hateful.
Good thing I have experience then because this week I’m teaching you how to be a cat.
(I got all these tips from my “good buddy” LT. He’s a real jerk.)
One of the things that cats are great at doing is cleaning themselves. To do this, you need to be incredibly limber and agile. You need to be able to lift your legs above your heads and essentially turn yourself into jelly.
I don’t think I need to explain “how” a cat actually cleans itself. If you don’t know though, I would suggest searching the internet for a picture.
Anyhow, after you’ve thoroughly cleaned your cat-like self, you’re going to want to hack out some fur balls. In reality you’ll just cough and hack and choke for a few minutes, but nothing ever comes out. It’s gross and unpleasant for all parties involved.
Now that you, my feline friend, are clean you’ll be on the prowl for a nice place to lounge. When I say ‘nice’ though I really mean anywhere obscure and uncomfortable like in between the window blinds or the bathroom sink.
Curl up in a nice, cozy ball of fluff. You want to make sure you look extra sweet and precious, but deep down you’re hiding some evil, malicious thoughts in your tiny cat brain.
Now that you’ve had your “cat nap” (hah!) it’s time to get into the mayhem that cats cause.
Go knock over everything you can find. If you see a glass on the table, knock it off. If there’s a trash can somewhere in the house, go figure out a way to climb onto it and knock it over. Ball of yarn? Bat it around until it unwinds.
When you’re finished making a mess and some human comes to scold you, get big cat eyes and look sad. Then they’ll try to pick you up and you can claw at them. Don’t forget the evil glare though.
That’s how you remind all the humans who actually runs the house. You, as a cat, may not pay the bills or buy the groceries, but we all know you run things around here.
When you hear the jingle of treats or the sweet smell of catnip, you’ll know it’s time to calm down and be sweet again. That catnip is going to mess you up though; you will essentially be high. Get ready for the humans to toy with you.
Once they give you some catnip, it’s time for the laser pointer to come out. You will be distracted now. They have you under their thumb. You’ll be climbing up walls and spinning in circles. You won’t care though; you’ll be high on catnip.
The humans have exacted their revenge for you being a brat all day, but that’s fine. When the catnip wears off, you can go back to doing your typical cat-like things. Go knock things off a table again or claw at some human feet, maybe even curl up in the sink.
Just remember, if you want to be a cat, just be a giant butthead that looks cute and fluffy all day.
Brittany Fletcher
Designer/Intern