Being from the Southern states of the grand ol’ US of A is like being from a whole different part of the world sometimes. Us Southerners are often mocked for saying words like ‘ice’ and it sounded like, well, another word for ‘butt.’ There is a lot more to being Southern than just dropping G’s off the ends of words and drinking gallons of liquid diabetes, also known as sweet tea. If you want to feel like a genuine Southern, here’s a few tips for you.
Let’s start with how you should talk. As previously mentioned, drop your “G’s” and change “I’s” to “A’s”. Swinging becomes swangin’. Drinking is now drankin’. Y’all is your new favorite word. Another great word to add your Southern vocabulary is ‘holler.’ If someone tells you to go “go on over thur to the holler,” they want you to go to the backwoods valley somewhere.
You’re still going to need your own personal Southern dictionary, but you’ve got the basics. You’re not truly Southern until you get the manners and hospitality down pat. Our sweet Southern charm is what make us so darn likeable. Step one: always say please and thank you. Let’s just be decent people here, okay? Step two: hold doors open for other people. Step three: if you’re at someone else’s house, always ask before you reach into their fridge.
Now we need to work on your wardrobe. If you want to dress like a Southerner, ladies you could take it old-school and go buy a dozen hoop skirts. The south still acts like they’re living in the dark ages, might as well dress like it, too. Guys, you can be a bit more modern, but you’re still limited to some kind of boots (cowboy or farming) and anything made by Levi’s, Wranglers or Carhart.
Hey, you’re talkin’ and dressin’ the part now, so let’s get you goin’ out somewhere for some fun. What do people in the south do? There are a thousand farms in the south. If you want to be a legit Southerner, buy any large piece of land you can find and start growing something, preferably tobacco or raising cattle.
There are a lot of fairs in the south, too; typically people go to these to see tractor pulls and win “Best in Show” awards. (A tractor pull is literally a tractor pulling heavy things. It’s a blast…. Except that it’s really not.) Any lady who is any lady wants a blue ribbon, “Best in Show” prize for her award-winning pecan (pronounced pea-can) pie. As for the gents, they tend to go out deer hunting and bass fishing.
Let’s move on to what you should eat and drink if you want to be from the south. Anything buttery, fried and greasy is appropriate good eats. Everything in the south is either going to clog your arteries or put you in a diabetic coma; it’s truly a delicious place.
As for your beverages of choice, that’s pretty limited. Sweet tea is the most common. Aside from that, if someone asks if you want a Coke, what they’re really asking is if you want a soda (or pop.) Everything is Coke if you’re from the south. Dr. Pepper is Coke. Sprite is Coke. Pepsi is Coke. If it ain’t sweet tea, it’s Coke. If you’re more into the finer things of life, liquor, you have two choices – whiskey and moonshine. Period.
Is there anything else you need to know to be a walkin’, talkin’ Southerner? Well, there’s a couple of things. Put everything in Mason jars. Jams, jellies, food, drinks, candles. Everything! Smoke Marlboro cigarettes; they’re called cowboy killers in the south. (I don’t condone smoking. It’s bad for your lungs, and you need those to breathe.) It’s also really important, if you want to be a Southerner, to never drive in the snow. In the south, snowfall is the Devil’s rain; it’s the apocalypse. Just act like the world is ending and don’t leave the house. As much as I hate to say it, general prejudice is a thing in the south, too. They just pick groups of people and hate them. I don’t advise that though; it isn’t very becoming of you.
Overall, being Southern is a way of life. I love being from the south even with all its flaws. Southern folk are friendly and sweeter than their tea.
Brittany Fletcher
Designer/Intern