Dear Gabby,
I am in a bit of a pickle here. I have an almost sixteen-year-old son, whom, unfortunately, I cant stand to interact with. The first 14 years of his life I was in the military and seldomly there him, which led him to be a “mama’s boy.” It seems like everything he does anymore just irritates the heck out of me. Anytime I correct his behavior, his mother (my current wife) takes his side and causes tension between the two of us.
He had the opportunity to get a job this past summer, where he could have saved money to take his $490 drivers education classes and to purchase a car. Instead, he chose to be lazy and play video games all summer. So now, in two months, he’ll be 16. So Gabby, what do I do? I don’t want to pay a penny for his driving classes or automobile. How do I tell my wife I refuse to help him due to his laziness? This will surely start a war I am not prepared for.
Sincerely,
Furious Father
Dear Furious Father,
First of all, I think family conflicts are very frustrating, so I hope it gets better for you and your family. It sounds like your son just simply doesn’t have respect for you, and I would say that might come from missing out on part of his life. You’re wife and him have probably created a bond over the years that give them a connection that you two haven’t formed yet because you were in and out because of the military.
I think it’s unfortunate that he can’t see the good you because even though you’re helping the country, you’re missing in action as being a father. I’m going to be blunt for a moment and say that the ultimate problem may be between you and your wife. It seems like you both are on different pages on parenting and that might be the biggest problem. I think sitting down with your wife and creating a parenting plan would help, such as discipline and how to handle certain situations with your son. Ultimately, your goal as a parent I feel like should be getting them ready to set them free and knowing that you prepared them for the “real world.” It’s going to be tough, but I think it’s worth it. It’s something that needs to be discussed to make sure both you and your family are on the same page to create a good environment at home.
I would agree that you shouldn’t pay for him to take classes or buy his vehicle. I think if he wants it bad enough then he should figure out a way to pay for it on his own, unless you can make a deal where he’ll pay you back. This will teach him that he’ll soon be on his own and he’ll have to be taking care of himself. Sometimes tough love works and sometimes it doesn’t, but he needs to also know that everything you do is to better him and your relationship. Support is always important in a parent and child relationship as well.
I don’t know him, but thinking about when I was 16 I think the most important thing to know was that my parents had my back. It doesn’t mean spoil them, it just means that you’re there to guide them and support them. Get on the same page with your wife and focus on supporting your son, and show him that you want to create a stronger bond with him. Once he realizes you’re here for him, then he might realize your intentions on not paying for his classes, and that you really want what is best for him.
Don’t give up,
Gabby